BugReBorn

formerly Bew!ldered Bug

Today it hit me that I’m all grown up.

This may seem like a little bit of a strange comment coming from a 40 year old who has lived out of her parents’ home for over two decades, but seriously, it hit me today how grown up I suddenly am.

I don’t mean grown up  as in how you feel when you’re 18 and wanting to prove you’re grown up…I mean GROWN UP.

Now I’ve never had kids, so I never had life hit me in the face with being forced to be responsible for keeping other humans alive….and maybe this is why I never registered exactly how grown up I was or am.

But today, we went house hunting.  I mean real house hunting.  Not for “just” a place to live, but a place to build a life together with a loyal friend and trusting partner.

A few years ago, after the divorce and in an attempt to start putting my life back on track, I purchased a condo all on my own.  And the process was exciting but ultimately made me completely depressed upon moving in.  I didn’t understand why until I realized that it was never something I wanted to do alone.  And there’s a different between being alone (which I have had so much experience in) and being lonely.  And buying that condo made me REALLY LONELY.

But now I’m doing it again, but the way I always thought I would; with someone I love, trust and respect – someone who loves, trusts and respects me back equally.

WE are looking for a house to buy to build a life TOGETHER.  The way I feel it is supposed to be.  The way I want it to be.  The way I think will make me happy.

And strangely, on the way home from seeing seven houses in one night (phew!), I sat next to my fiance feeling ridiculously comfortable and spectacularly content.  I was sitting next to someone I love more than life, on the way home from trying to find our future – together.  Something that I have not even imagined could happen to me after everything I’ve been through.  Something I had given up on a long time ago.

Yet there I was…

And here I am… sipping tea on the sofa next to him…All Grown Up.

How cool is that?!

 

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